i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Randomize
