i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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