So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
