Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
