It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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