I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
He better not be in your backpack
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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