Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
