everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
