i just wanna soil my oats bro
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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