I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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