last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
please come you make the beer taste better
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
i black out too much to be "responsible"
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
