I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
