Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
