so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
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