We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
