im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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