I like my sex mixed with concussions.
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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