so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
