You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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