I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Randomize
