I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
