The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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