her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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