apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize