peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
