Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize
