There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He literally asked permission to hit on me
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
