you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
it's not cheating when I paid for it
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Randomize
