I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Randomize
