I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
