Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
No more Irish car bombs ever.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Randomize
