I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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