I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
My balls are so social today.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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