i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
