the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
