yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Drunk is not a location!
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
