Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
