you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize
