Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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