Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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