my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
