If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
