I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
we're making bets on your personal life
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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