My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
