Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
