I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
