Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
