The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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