So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
he was CRYING into my vagina
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
