True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
