The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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