Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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