I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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