He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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