and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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