I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
In other news, I just burned my penis
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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