we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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